Congratulations! You’ve decided to advance your career through the ancient and honorable tradition of shameless flattery and obsequious behavior. This comprehensive guide will help you perfect the art of brown-nosing.
Perfect Your Fake Laugh
Practice laughing at jokes that aren’t funny. Your boss’s humor is terrible? That’s irrelevant. When they make a pun about spreadsheets, you need to laugh like it’s the funniest thing you’ve ever heard. Record yourself practicing different levels of fake laughter and choose the most convincing one.
The Strategic Coffee Delivery
Learn your boss’s coffee order down to the exact temperature. Arrive 10 minutes before they do and place their perfectly prepared beverage on their desk. Extra points if you remember they mentioned liking a specific pastry three months ago and surprise them with it.
Compliment Everything
New tie? Compliment it. Old tie? Compliment it again as if it’s the first time you’ve seen it. Their parking job? Revolutionary. Their email signature? Inspiring. The key is to find something—anything—to praise at least three times per day.
Master the Art of Agreement
Your own opinions are now obsolete. If your boss says the sky is green, you enthusiastically agree and perhaps mention that you’ve always thought so too. Consistency is for people who don’t want promotions.
Social Media Engagement
Like every single post your boss makes on LinkedIn. Better yet, be the first to like it. Comment with phrases like “So insightful!” and “This really made me think!” even if it’s just a reposted motivational quote.
The Subtle Name Drop
In meetings with others, frequently reference “As [Boss’s Name] brilliantly pointed out…” even if they didn’t point it out. Attribute all good ideas to them and all bad outcomes to external factors.
Warning: Side effects may include loss of self-respect, alienation from colleagues, and an overwhelming sense of phoniness. But remember, you’re doing this for your career!